I got'ta admire the spunky, determined spirit of the manic depressive fifty year old inmate of Japan's Fuchu Prison, who attempted suicide on 19 February, 2008, While eating dinner he stabbed himself in the head with the broken end of a chopstick. He failed in his attempt, but you could say this was final proof that you should never play with your food. And I thank God the sad gentleman in question was not restrained in a Swedish prison where he might have had access to a deadly spork.
Another winner of the “determined to do something stupid” award would to be the 46 year old Welsh coal miner Alan Urwin , who over three months in 1994 survived three separate self administered drug overdoses. Not one to be discouraged easily, Alan then decided to electrocute himself by wrapping a bare electric cord around his naked body and climbing into a full bathtub. When he plugged himself into the wall he blew a fuse and suffered a damn good shock. But he survived.
However, showing a real “never-say-die” spirit, Alan then bent the wire to form a noose, which he suspended from an overhead beam. He stood on a chair, slipped his head into the noose and jumped into eternity, or would have except the wire was too thin to support his weight. It snapped under the tension, and Alan landed on his butt. Still not deterred Alan then broke the gas pipe in his room, laid down next to the open end and breathed deeply for several minutes. But even though his tiny house was now filled with toxic fumes, much to Alan’s dismay he was still alive. He grew impatient, and struck a match.
The resulting explosion blew the roof off his room, and blew out one of the walls. However Alan suffered nothing worse than flash burns. Whereupon his career as a dead man was cut short because he was convicted of arson and given two years probation, with the requirement that he undergo psychological counseling. Having finally gotten the message that the universe had been so persistently trying to deliver, Alan went into therapy and a year later was described as “cheerful".
Suicide can best be described as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And death is rarely - very, very, very, very rarely - a solution to anything. It is even an ineffective way of punishing the survivors, from those who loved you to those strangers who have to clean up after you. But the one thing abundantly clear, is that no such rational explanation has ever deterred a suicide attempt. It is an irrational act, the product of defective thinking, usually committed under the influence of a drug, usually alcohol, Amazingly it can often be prevented by the simple and prompt suggestion of, "Please don't do that." Social engagement, such as asking a person standing on the edge of cliff, "What are you doing?" can often be enough to delay the attempt for a few minutes. And such a delay is called life.
According to the Taiwan Fortean Times, a pair of lovers in Taiwan took the old adage “…till death do you part…” a little too literally.
The devoted lunatics then tried to drive off a gorge along the Central Cross-Island Highway, If they survived the crash, they would surely drown in the river far below. But they missed the river and landed instead in a cushion of trees and bushes which left them unfortunately uninjured.
In desperation they checked into the honeymoon suite at the two-star Samantha Hotel in Taipei. (It has since closed). After a romantic last supper they tied bed sheets together to form a pair of nooses, which they then attached to ceiling rods. But they had misjudged the length and weight of their suicide pact. When they jumped from their chairs, instead of dangling by the neck, they landed on their feet and broke through the ceiling of the room below.
Luckily for them, the crackerjack staff of the Samantha Hotel failed to promptly notice the wrecked ceiling. So the lovebirds had time to rethink their methodology. They decided to use the gas powered fireplace to put a coda on their love pact. They fed several coins into the pay as you go unit, turned the flames up to full and then blew them out. They quickly passed out from the toxic fumes, However, their cost consciousness proved the undoing of their undoing, and the timer on the gas jets ran out before the lovebird's numbers came up. They awoke several hours later with splitting headaches.
Finally, in mounting desperation, the lovebirds jumped hand in hand, out the window of their 12th story hotel room. What could possibly be more romantic than that? It was a beautiful gesture – except it seemed the fates as well as their in-laws were opposed to this death do them part union. They somehow missed the street, and landed instead on the tin roof of a five story restaurant. They thundered through the roof and crushed a large lobster tank, temporarily freeing dozens of doomed crustaceans, at least those that were not crushed instantly (a bunch of damned unlucky lobsters, if you ask me), and finishing their adventures in insanity by landing on a banquet table.
The lovers suffered numerous fractures and contusions and bruising but were finally stabilized in a stable condition at a local hospital. And when their families heard how dedicated Pin-jen and Shu-mei were to killing each other rather than parting, both families agreed to accept the match. Which would have been the logical and compassionate solution from the beginning.
The lesson I take from all of this is that no matter how crappy your life may feel, you can always make it worse by trying to kill yourself. Don't be an idiot. Stick around and be miserable, like the rest of us. It's only fair.
- 30 -
"The Book of Bunny Suicides" (2003) originated in the twisted mind of Andy Riley
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