I wonder if Britney Spears will buying 
her little K-Feds the new techo-toy savings bank from Takara Tomy. It vibrates and flashes and finally sets off an alarm when the kid goes too long between feeding it nickels. Takara introduced a popular version last year with comic characters who danced across a screen to encourage little brats to save, but now the company has escalated to the nagging little 
“bank bomb” that warns in increasing levels of hysteria before finally “blowing up”, and scattering the diaper-dandy’s pathetic life savings all over the floor, just like the real banks are doing. The idea, says a company official, is that the customer must “…reflect on their laziness.” Can you picture Mommie Weirdest, the multi-millionaire trailer park tramp, who burns through $102,000 in “entertainment” expenses every month, ever reflecting on anything? It was Socrates, if you believe Plato, who said that the unexamined life is not worth living, and the swamp diva from Louisiana seems determined to prove him right.
*
Of course, you can examine your life so closely you miss it, such as the “vegan-
sexuals” described by a New Zealand anthropologist who won’t date “carnisexuals” because their bodily fluids are the by-products of dead animals. Obviously these vegan-supremacists adhere to the code that lips that touch pork shall never pork mine, or mine vine either, but how far are they willing to carry this vegan-obsession? Will they trust their money only to vegan-capitalists, their faith only to vegan-theologians, and their ennui only to vegan-vagueness? Considering how difficult it is to find a soul mate under normal circumstances it seems a little silly to eliminate any and all who might like a little bit of sole once in awhile.
*
And consider how hard it must be for your average run-of-the-
mill supermodel to find a rich dolt willing to tolerate the bulimia and lack of bone density, not to mention the lack of a minimum mental requirement for the career path, as did the stick-with-legs in a size 4 dress who calls herself Le Call. She is, according to her agency, a 5’10”, 34 – 24- 34, blue eyed blond who borrowed a $1,000 Gaultier umbrella last summer from Mr. Nello Balan, who owns a restaurant on Madison Avenue. And, according to what Nello told Page Six of the NYPost, when the sun came out the next day the little air head forgot all about the umbrella. And then when Nello sent her an e-mail asking for its return she whined that his restaurant was so expensive it made her “kinda sick”. I guess she was actually paying for herself that night because she only promised to return in a couple of weeks when some “boys” were coming into town who were willing to pay for her. Ever wonder what the life of a supermodel is like? It turns out it’s a lot like the life of a high class whore.
*
Weeks later, with still no unctuous umbrella in hand, Nello got pissy. “Can you FedEx that umbrella? Or have you decided to keep it?...You don’t return the umbrella, I sue”. So Le Call got pissy right back. “I gave it to Nat Rothschild’s driver to give back,” she e-mailed, and “…I don’t want to see, hear, or think about that stupid umbrella again.” Famous last words, because when the driver finally returned the umbrella the shaft had been snapped in half and glued back together. Miss Le Call confessed later “somebody” had sat on it – Obviously somebody with a bone density greater than the umbrella’s. Now Nello is suing Le Call for the $1,000 and for infliction of mental distress, willful destruction of property and “…disinterested malevolence”, whatever the hell that is. Le Call is now calling the umbrella overpriced and ostentatious, which sounds like a fair description of both of them. It sounds to me as if they are both carna-sexuals as well.
*
Which would make 24 year old Sara Carmen a “selfual-sexual”, since
she claims to suffer (if that is the right adjective) from “Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome”, or PSAS. It almost sounds like a made-up condition, like something a tabloid newspaper would invent to sell papers. But Sara says the condition was brought on after she was prescribed anti-depressants and “…in six months I was having 150 orgasms a day. It has been as many as 200.” She explains that “…anything can set me off. Even the hairdryers cause funny pulsations…” which is troublesome because Sara is a beautician, and I assume by “funny pulsations” she does not mean ‘funny’ as in “ha,ha”. “My friends think its great. I have more orgasms in one day than most of them will probably have in a year…some days I have one every ten minutes.” Okay, now she’s just bragging. And after what the London Daily Mail claims was a 40 minute interview, (during which Sara laid claim to six more orgasms) Sara switched from her tale of woe about lost boyfriends (they couldn’t keep up with her) to confused co-workers (they don’t really understand) to what does she tell her parents (nothing), to a final note of optimism. “…it came from nowhere and I guess it could go away just as quickly, so I’m making the most of it while it lasts.” Hmmm, I wonder just what she means by that? How do you ‘make the most’ of an orgasm every ten minutes? What do you do, sell rides?
*
And what do you do when a policewoman shows up in your drama class and slaps on the handcuffs? You do what ever she tells you to do, of course. After the officer checked the boy’s i.d. and discovered it was his 16th birthday, he might
have expected some deferential treatment. Instead she ordered him to crawl around the classroom on all fours. Then the officer put on a tape of Britney Spears’ music and spanked the boy 16 times. Then she stripped down to her bra and panties, smeared herself with cream and invited the birthday boy to rub it in on her bare fanny. It was at this point (and not before) that the teacher, who had been video-taping the festivities at the request of the boy’s mother, suggested that the “joke” had gone on long enough. The humiliated boy ran out of the room and Officer Stripper calmly packed her kit and left the scene of the crime. But was it a crime? The Arnold Hill School and Technology College in 
Nottingham, England, where this all took place, is trying to decide if the Mother’s explanation that she had booked a guy in a gorilla suit and not a stripper, is believable or even relevant. And the local government, the Nottinghamshire County Council is trying to decide if there is some way to scare up some votes in this headline grabbing event. And the boy is probably trying to figure out how he can ever show his face in school again, and if he will ever again be able to get a hard on while watching a Britney Spears music video.
*
But, hey, kid; we’re all wondering that these days.
her little K-Feds the new techo-toy savings bank from Takara Tomy. It vibrates and flashes and finally sets off an alarm when the kid goes too long between feeding it nickels. Takara introduced a popular version last year with comic characters who danced across a screen to encourage little brats to save, but now the company has escalated to the nagging little 
“bank bomb” that warns in increasing levels of hysteria before finally “blowing up”, and scattering the diaper-dandy’s pathetic life savings all over the floor, just like the real banks are doing. The idea, says a company official, is that the customer must “…reflect on their laziness.” Can you picture Mommie Weirdest, the multi-millionaire trailer park tramp, who burns through $102,000 in “entertainment” expenses every month, ever reflecting on anything? It was Socrates, if you believe Plato, who said that the unexamined life is not worth living, and the swamp diva from Louisiana seems determined to prove him right.*
Of course, you can examine your life so closely you miss it, such as the “vegan-
sexuals” described by a New Zealand anthropologist who won’t date “carnisexuals” because their bodily fluids are the by-products of dead animals. Obviously these vegan-supremacists adhere to the code that lips that touch pork shall never pork mine, or mine vine either, but how far are they willing to carry this vegan-obsession? Will they trust their money only to vegan-capitalists, their faith only to vegan-theologians, and their ennui only to vegan-vagueness? Considering how difficult it is to find a soul mate under normal circumstances it seems a little silly to eliminate any and all who might like a little bit of sole once in awhile.*
And consider how hard it must be for your average run-of-the-
mill supermodel to find a rich dolt willing to tolerate the bulimia and lack of bone density, not to mention the lack of a minimum mental requirement for the career path, as did the stick-with-legs in a size 4 dress who calls herself Le Call. She is, according to her agency, a 5’10”, 34 – 24- 34, blue eyed blond who borrowed a $1,000 Gaultier umbrella last summer from Mr. Nello Balan, who owns a restaurant on Madison Avenue. And, according to what Nello told Page Six of the NYPost, when the sun came out the next day the little air head forgot all about the umbrella. And then when Nello sent her an e-mail asking for its return she whined that his restaurant was so expensive it made her “kinda sick”. I guess she was actually paying for herself that night because she only promised to return in a couple of weeks when some “boys” were coming into town who were willing to pay for her. Ever wonder what the life of a supermodel is like? It turns out it’s a lot like the life of a high class whore.*
Weeks later, with still no unctuous umbrella in hand, Nello got pissy. “Can you FedEx that umbrella? Or have you decided to keep it?...You don’t return the umbrella, I sue”. So Le Call got pissy right back. “I gave it to Nat Rothschild’s driver to give back,” she e-mailed, and “…I don’t want to see, hear, or think about that stupid umbrella again.” Famous last words, because when the driver finally returned the umbrella the shaft had been snapped in half and glued back together. Miss Le Call confessed later “somebody” had sat on it – Obviously somebody with a bone density greater than the umbrella’s. Now Nello is suing Le Call for the $1,000 and for infliction of mental distress, willful destruction of property and “…disinterested malevolence”, whatever the hell that is. Le Call is now calling the umbrella overpriced and ostentatious, which sounds like a fair description of both of them. It sounds to me as if they are both carna-sexuals as well.*
Which would make 24 year old Sara Carmen a “selfual-sexual”, since
she claims to suffer (if that is the right adjective) from “Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome”, or PSAS. It almost sounds like a made-up condition, like something a tabloid newspaper would invent to sell papers. But Sara says the condition was brought on after she was prescribed anti-depressants and “…in six months I was having 150 orgasms a day. It has been as many as 200.” She explains that “…anything can set me off. Even the hairdryers cause funny pulsations…” which is troublesome because Sara is a beautician, and I assume by “funny pulsations” she does not mean ‘funny’ as in “ha,ha”. “My friends think its great. I have more orgasms in one day than most of them will probably have in a year…some days I have one every ten minutes.” Okay, now she’s just bragging. And after what the London Daily Mail claims was a 40 minute interview, (during which Sara laid claim to six more orgasms) Sara switched from her tale of woe about lost boyfriends (they couldn’t keep up with her) to confused co-workers (they don’t really understand) to what does she tell her parents (nothing), to a final note of optimism. “…it came from nowhere and I guess it could go away just as quickly, so I’m making the most of it while it lasts.” Hmmm, I wonder just what she means by that? How do you ‘make the most’ of an orgasm every ten minutes? What do you do, sell rides?*
And what do you do when a policewoman shows up in your drama class and slaps on the handcuffs? You do what ever she tells you to do, of course. After the officer checked the boy’s i.d. and discovered it was his 16th birthday, he might
have expected some deferential treatment. Instead she ordered him to crawl around the classroom on all fours. Then the officer put on a tape of Britney Spears’ music and spanked the boy 16 times. Then she stripped down to her bra and panties, smeared herself with cream and invited the birthday boy to rub it in on her bare fanny. It was at this point (and not before) that the teacher, who had been video-taping the festivities at the request of the boy’s mother, suggested that the “joke” had gone on long enough. The humiliated boy ran out of the room and Officer Stripper calmly packed her kit and left the scene of the crime. But was it a crime? The Arnold Hill School and Technology College in 
Nottingham, England, where this all took place, is trying to decide if the Mother’s explanation that she had booked a guy in a gorilla suit and not a stripper, is believable or even relevant. And the local government, the Nottinghamshire County Council is trying to decide if there is some way to scare up some votes in this headline grabbing event. And the boy is probably trying to figure out how he can ever show his face in school again, and if he will ever again be able to get a hard on while watching a Britney Spears music video.*
But, hey, kid; we’re all wondering that these days.
- 30 -
