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Saturday, February 09, 2008

THE COCK CROWS AT MIDNIGHT!

I stumbled across more proof today that the first victims of global extinctions brought on by global warming will, in all likelihood, be anything walking around with a single “X” chromosome. Bite that one, Dick Cheney, you homophobic hypocrite, you climate change denier, you war-mongering warthog, you pacemaker regulated poo-head. And while it is true that Mother Nature normally keeps a few extra “X’s in stock to allow for wastage, mostly in the form of frat boy binge drinkers and “Jackass” star want-a-bees, there seems to be a growing percentage of bone-heads (pun intended) determined to remove themselves from the gene pool entirely; idiots like Kann Veasna,, the young Cambodia drunken idiot who, after a night of drinking in Phnom Penh, stopped to relieve himself. And, being a drunken idiot, Kann decided that rather than just pee on a nearby fence he would pee through a hole in the fence, as if he was going to get points for neatness. But what the drunken idiot did not consider was that there might be something on the other side of the fence.
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AND there was something on the other side of the fence; a playful, exuberant but bored puppy dog. Now, from the puppy’s POV the trouser snake poking its head through his fence was an invitation to play. The game: a canine version of “whack the mole”, called “bite the snake”. It was a short lived game. And Kann did not win it. Luckily for Kann, neither did the puppy. Doctors were able to mend his lacerated “X” dispenser. Later, referring to Kann’s damaged “X-box”, one of the doctors explained,”It is undoubtedly sore now, but…it should still be useful to him”. And now you know why people in Cambodia eat dog; it’s a form of self-defense.
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Meanwhile, in the Catholic world, Lent has begun, a purposefully dreary season, made more bearable by being preceded by the practice of “Carnival”, a week long party designed to give you something to repent. In New Orleans this culminates on the Tuesday before Ash Wednesday, which is called “Madi Gras”, or Fat Tuesday. And this year, on the Thursday before lent, 10,000 women wearing clown costumes and carrying shears and scissors fanned out across Bonn and Cologne, Germany to celebrate “Weiberfastnacht”, or “Castration Thursday”. Civilization and liability insurance has reduced this practice to cutting off the neckties of innocent men. Of course, should the “old ways” ever come back into vogue the German women want to be still in practice.
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The current delicate state of the male ego was illustrated in another German town, substantiating English columnist Katherine Whitehorn’s observation that “Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in”. A 50 year old, 282 pound man in Hildesheim finally won an argument with his 140 pound wife by sitting on her chest for “at least two minutes” , breaking her ribs in 18 places and suffocating her to death. As the court determined his intention was not homicide but merely to win an argument the court gave him five years. I’ll bet they would have given him more time but they probably couldn’t afford to keep feeding him. And I would guess that Ms. Whitehorn would describe hubbies’ debating style as, “I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.”
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But it was last April, just after the official completion of the London Marathon, when a very disturbed 35 year old Polish man entered the Zizzi Restaurant at 74-75 The Strand, just up the road from the Charring Cross tube station, and made a real dick out of himself in public. As a number of bloggers have pointed out, “Zizzi” is French slang for “penis”. What a shame that Zizzi is an upscale Italian restaurant chain. Anyway, at about 9PM the young blade in question went to the lower dining level of the 200 seat restaurant and tried to enter the kitchen. The staff stopped the stiff and he became engorged with anger. Then the prick managed to get his hands on a large pizza knife and, while the horrified diners watched in horror, dick-head jumped onto a table, dropped his pants, and in full view of everyone, whacked off his own penis. Now, nobody likes to see a thing like that while they are trying to finish their Ziti, and the scene that followed was worse. According to a witness, “Everyone was screaming and running …I couldn’t believe it….There was blood everywhere.” The Metropolitan Police shortly arrived and used pepper spray to subdue the “…not a well boy.” How gauche; who uses pepper on their Polish sausage? The cops picked the prick off the floor, packed it in ice and transported it, along with its owner, to St. Thomas’s Hospital, where doctors struggled to bring about the first such rapprochement in English history.
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The best place in the world to have your penis removed unexpectedly appears to be Thailand, since the oppressed women there are said to be the world’s most castrating females, and give the surgeons lots of practice. But as far back as 2005 an Anchorage, Alaskan man had his dismembered member remembered. It seems this 44 year old genius had spent the afternoon in a heated argument with his girlfriend, 35 year old Kim Tran, oddly enough an emigrant from Thailand. Eventually Kim suggested they drop the argument part and concentrate on the heat. The genius agreed. He even agreed to being tied up, proof that some men do indeed think with their dicks. It is not clear when the alarm bells when off in his head, or which head they went off in, but presumable whichever one it was it was sometime shortly before Ms. Tran produced a large knife, whacked off his “John Thomas” and flushed it down the toilet. The reasonable Ms. Tran then drove her ex to a hospital and returned home. And that was where the cops found her, cleaning up the mess. Boys, this girl is going to make some lucky man a wonderful housekeeper, someday.
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They had to disassemble the toilet to retrieve the missing item, but doctors were still able to reattach it. And for some reason this bothers me the most about this story. I guess I am suffering flash backs to my mother warning me, “Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been!” Ms. Tran was charged with assault, domestic violence, and thanks to some jokester at the Anchorage P.D., tampering with evidence. Meanwhile, back in London, the doctors at St. Thomas were forced to admit failure. The graft didn’t take and the sad Polish man had to be re-castrated. On the positive side, after spending all day Monday on a “clean-up operation”, Zizzi’s re-opened Monday evening, as usual, and the management reassured the press that the victim “no connection of any kind with their restaurant.”
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Well, maybe not before, but he sure does now.


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