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Tuesday, October 16, 2007


I don’t know why this time of year everyone is so afraid of ghosts, spooks and ghouls. Its common knowledge that ghosts can’t manipulate physical objects- I mean, they never open doors, they just walk through walls - so they can only harm you psychologically, and if you don’t have a psychology you’re perfectly safe: so convert to Scientology. And nobody should be afraid of “spooks”. Once you speak a spook’s name they are “spooken for” and rendered harmless, which is what happened to Valerie Plame. Now Robert Novak, he’s a ghoul and you can’t kill them. Every time you think they’re dead they come back to life again on Faux News. This is a perfect example of how we are terrified of all the wrong things in this life. As an example, Jessica Collins, a lovely 19 year old college art student from Cardiff, Wales, was probably frightened by the thought of ghosts and ghouls and Tony Blair’s foreign policy. But what ended up almost killing Jess was the “bling” in her belly button.
Jess had her "button" pierced when she was 15. In Wales and other third world countries such as Ethiopia and Beverly Hills young girls see body piercing and tattoos as a symbol of maturity and independence – just not independence from their dermatologists. A few weeks ago Jess was on vacation with her boyfriend Devdutt Shaftri (also obviously from Cardiff) and about 1am they were on the Autobahn in Munich, Germany when the car in front of theirs slammed on its brakes. Devdutt slammed on his brakes and then they were slammed into by the car behind them. Devdutt suffered a broken leg, and Jessica had a gash on her head. But she also felt drowsy and her stomach started to swell. The screaming London tabloid headline said it all; “My Stud Almost Killed Me!”
Now, normally, in Wales, such a complication as a swelling tummy is solved by wedding bells. But luckily an off duty paramedic happened on the scene, realized what had really happened to Jess and called for a helicopter ambulance. The sudden stop and her seat belt had forced Jess’s button stud into her abdomen (“like a bullet”), perforating her intestines and depositing it just millimeters from her spine. It took a three hour operation and the removal of some bowel just to reach the offending stud (My sister dated a guy like that in high school). Her button stud (and the bleeding into her brain) almost killed Jessica, but now she is on a mission to warn every young woman yearning to be pierced to just say no. You never know when an errant earring might come loose and slice your spine in half. And if you want to hear a real horror story I could tell you about the woman who was almost chocked to death by hear own labia ring.
This is also why it’s never a good idea to carry pens or pencils in your pockets traveling by cars or airplane. Ask a coroner.
Why on Halloween do we never see people dressed up in really scary costumes from real life horror stories, like Jessica with her “Belly Button Stud from Hell”, or the unnamed 23 year old idiot found naked and half eaten in the bear cage at the Belgrade Zoo? How come nobody goes door to door dressed up like this putz? The cage, which contained two full grown male bears, was clearly marked, and was littered with rocks, bricks, beer cans and cell phones, indicating drunken attempts at communication with the bears by humans, who were possible attracted by the annual beer festival held in the Zoo’s restaurant As zoo director Vuk Boiovic explained, “There’s a good chance he (the idiot) was either drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into a bear cage.” Or maybe you could trick or treat as an idiot Zoo Director who allows their Zoo’s Restaurant to hold a beer festival. Mixing drunken humans and wild animals always leads to unpleasantness.
Winner of the best costume this Halloween will NOT go to the unidentified 18 year old male caught by Mounties in Whiteshell Provincial Park last August impersonating Bigfoot. It was a reminder of just how easy it is to convince people that they have seen something that isn’t actually there, like UFO’s, a rational for the Bush War and Cryptids in general. The kid’s costume turns out to have been a gorilla mask and…that’s all, just the mask. He would get drunk and then run around the campground at night, scaring the hell out of the drunken campers. I think he was probably a peeping-tom, who wore the mask as an excuse in case he got caught. Hell, even the guy who admitted posing for the Patterson-Gimlin “Bigfoot” film wore the whole costume. And if you watch the National Geographic program, “Is It Real: Bigfoot”, you will see that the gait all those crypto-experts waxed poetic about (“Humans simply don’t walk this way!”) is just the way this guy naturally walks!


It’s something to keep in mind the next time you are watching Chis Mathews and his pundits on CNBC or Bill O’Reilly all by himself on Faux. People who assure you they know what they are talking about are a lot scarier than idiots in monkey suits. At least you can keep an eye on the idiot in the monkey suit.

Oh, hell, I think I just talked myself into voting for Dennis Kucinich!

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