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Saturday, December 30, 2023

COW HEARD

I guess if you are taking stock you might cow-culate Yvonne's escape as a dairying break for freedom. But I suspect it was simply inescapable that eventually some placid bovine was bound to have a random close en-cow-ter with a fence and win. So when electrifying freedom came to a six year old Gurnsey named Yvonne, northwest of the tiny German village of Zangberg, Bavaria, nobody should have had a cow. But having blundered away from the waiting room for the slaughterhouse this bovine broad proceeded to milk her brazen escape for all it was worth.
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Yvonne the German Cow: is away to sleep now in the nice forest, with a comfy bed made of old editions of Moos Of The World
Yvonne on Facebook
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Have you herd about Yvonne? She had her own FaceBook page and 24,000 friends. It was said she was born on April first of 2005,  in Austria, and was a productive member of the herd. But the humans who owned Yvonne were cheesed off and considered her moo-dy and spoilt. They were hoping she would ruminate on her mad cow ways, and had her artificially inseminated. 
But when muoo-udder-hood failed to make Yvonne cuddly, they leather go, selling the 'Problemkuh” (problem cow) in March of 2011 to a German farmer named Wolfgang (below). He explained to the magazine Bild, “She was a very nervous cow, so I sold her.” But first he fattened her up to about half a ton of beef steak.
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"Yvonnes parting words for this evening "Cow-nt your blessings every day".....I do }:-)~"
Yvonne on Facebook
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Three days past her sale-by date, on the afternoon of 24 May, 2011, as she was being loaded on a truck for her final round up, Yvonne did something for herself, if only by accident. 
She bull-ied her way through an 8,000 volt electric fence, and n-heifer looked back. Now, from a human perspective, what a cow lacks is the moo-ving insight that all cows are, beneath the hide, a band of udders. But that is not the whey of cows. And sadly, Yvonne was no cheese whiz. If there was a hidden truth laid bare here, Yvonne just sort of stepped in it.
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"Female cow, lost and lonely, seeks bull companion for romantic liaison and adventures. Great set of teats (128DDDD)"
Yvonne on Facebook
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Gone missing, Yvonne did not make it onto any milk cartons. Rather, she en-cow-tered a road, and everything in her experience told her to follow that concrete cow path of least resistance.  But outside of Hay-dom, roads have purposes unknown in the bovine ethos. And in following that road after dark, Yvonne was almost hit by a cop car (above).  In the police officers' view the great brown broad side flashed across their headlights in a flash, forcing them to swerve. In their view it was a blood curdling experience.  
In Yvonne's view, it was one more betrayal. Yvonne was suddenly a bovine Patty Herd-est, once the innocent victim, now the fleeing felon.  If she'd had a voice Yvonne might have echoed the average human twelve year old, forcing back tears and crying in the dark, “This is bull sh-t!” It was then that Yvonne left the road and made her own whey into the woods.
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Personal Interests: Escaping, chewing, breaking wind, hiding, moooooing.
Yvonne on Facebook
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The cops put out a contract on the grazy cow, labeling her a road hazard. Hunters were officially authorized to execute the leather covered speed bump, in the name of public safety. But Yvonne was saved by the wettest summer in recent years, which made cow hunting too damp to be sporting. And Yvonne fell in with a herd of deer who by example, began her transition from domesticated dumb beast to a curd-ish revolutionary, or as the Sueddeutsche Zeitung described her, a freedom fighter for “the animal-loving republic”.
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“We only hope for the best for the cow,”
'Mühldorf district spokeswoman
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Our free range heifer was now assisted by another freak of nature, a German Hindu vegan activist and publicity hound named Michael Aufhauser (above). Michael horned in on the situation by first buying Yvonne in absentia for six hundred Euros. That gave him standing in the Bavarian courts, allowing him to seek a sixty day injunction to stop the hunt – and, holy cow, it was granted. 
This wealthy vegetarian then sent a professional hunter out -  in his stocking feet (to avoid making too much noise) -  armed with a tranquilizing dart gun. Once doped up, Yvonne would be served up at “Gut Aiberbichl” or “Well Aiberbichl”, Michael's animal farm, where she would pasturize for the rest of her days in religious safety.
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I heard about that new “Planet of the Apes” film and was inspired. It’s hard wielding tools with hoofs, though.”
Yvonne on Facebook
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But Yvonne was a rare German burger indeed and had udder ideas. And she thought she was not well done by the humans. 
She was still drawn to humans, as proven by a local grand-moo-ther who spotted cow paddies in her backyard (above). A veterinarian who examined the fee-cow matter, dubbed Yvonne to be healthy. The magazine Bild now offered ten thousand euros for a peaceful end to the Great Escape.
And inspired by this capitalist approach, the grand-moo-ther's 11 year old grandson Sepp (above), went charging into the underbrush...
...getting close enough to snap a photo of the cow girl. (above)  
A few evenings later the hunter, Hans Wintersteller, came face to face with Yvonne. As detailed by Der Speigel, “She appeared out of the mist, and stared him straight in the eyes (above). She walked off before he could fire a dart at her. He reported that she now looks more like a buffalo than a cow, and had evidently turned into a wild animal in her months on the run.” How many buffaloes Hans has observed in Bavaria was not explained.
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"Yvonne knows exactly what she's doing, and she's tricking us.”
Michael Aufhauser
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Michael contacted a Swiss “psychic cow whisperer”, Franziska Matti, who remotely “spoke” with Yvonne, and was told “she was fine but didn't feel ready to come out of hiding,” Perhaps, growing frustrated with this bull-oni, Michael contacted the Swiss farmer who had raised Yvonne, and had bought her sister, Waltraud, and her calf Waldi (above).  Both were transported to Bavaria, and left spinning their veals ovenight in a forest pen.
The next morning hoof prints and some moo-cus indicated Yovonne had stopped by to say hay (above), but by dawn she had hoofed it back into the 3 ½ hectacre wood.
Then Michael steaked out the adora-bull Ernst, “the George Clooney of cattle” (above).  Michael was certain that Yvonne would be drawn to his “sonoroous baritone”.  But somehow Yvonne was tipped to Ernst actually being a Bull-dozer, having previously gotten the Ox and been fixed. Eventually this  un-tempting pseudo-Taurus was sent packing.
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“Looking to build herd, own the forest and relax on our comfy (non-leather) sofas together sharing cow lick and snacking on dairy nuts.”
Yvonne on Facebook
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During the August news drought, Michael sent in a helicopter armed with an infrared tracking device. They failed to find anything but more headlines. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion, the humans decided to try sanity. First, the hunter Hans Wintersteller announced, "We have asked all helpers to leave the forest.” Then Bavarian authorities permanently lifted the execution order. They e-mailed Der Speigel “As the animal no longer constitutes an acute threat to road traffic in its current location, no major search or capture operations are necessary. The Mühldorf district office requests that the animal not be disturbed in its current habitat.” Human logic seems to be, that starved for food, the press would moo-ve on to other stories.
But as August chewed its way into September, something changed for Yvonne. Maybe her dear friends the deer got ticked off at her. Maybe she wearied of being a maverick. Or, perhaps she thought, like Steve McQueen in "The Great Escape", that the last fence she jumped was a border to even more freedom. As you get older domesticity can feel like that. The Meuhldorf council suggested "she apparently go tired of the loneliness", and that may be closer to the truth. 
But whatever her moo-tivations, on the first of September Yvonne jumped another fence and rejoined a herd, this one of four calves. And perhaps the venison quartet reminded Yvonne of her own lost youth, when she still had calves and her breasts did not hang so udderly low. We will never know, since Yvonne was not talking.  
But we do know she had a beef with the veternarian who tranquilized (above)  her for her ride to her new home in a sanctuary. 
Maybe it was the cameras, and maybe it was his attitude. She knocked him on his butt. 
She had tasted freedom, and was not going to surrender it easily. No bullshit here. Yvonne objected to hands being placed on her.
She even charged the tractor sent to "tire" her out.
Eventually she was over powered. But she did not go gracefully in to that dark trailer.  But it was to be Yvonne's last stampede.
Eventually they had to drug the freedom fighter.  And she was passively dragged into the transport, and  taken to her new home, safe and sound and no longer free, but behind several fences. From this point forward, no Moos about Yvonne was good moos.
In her new home on a reservation, she lived the good life, surrounded by her calves and sister, a good, life. Domestic cows can live as long as 15 to 20 years. But Yvonne was no domestic beast. She had experienced freedom, and eaten a lot of things during her rebellious teenage years which were not good for her. She was euthanized at the age of 14, in September of 2019.  Moove along. Nothing to see here.
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You may e-mail your message to Yvonne, what heifer it may be, to pulltheudderone@Yvonnethecow.com
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                                                   - 30 - 

Friday, December 29, 2023

BEING SMART

 

I used to think I was pretty smart. But age has brought humility, and learning,  such as the recent discovery of the world's first filling. The owner of this cracked left canine was a 24 to 30 year old man living in southeastern Europe 6,500 years ago. Some shaman pressed beeswax into the crack of this neo-lithic denticle sufferer's tooth's (above), and the pain eased. And the filling lasted 6,500 years, until an Italian scientist noticed it under a microscope.
Anyway, that got me to thinking about two other things. First - beeswax seems have been the stone age gaffer tape.  Maybe we should re-label the Stone Age. But, secondly, according to South African archaeologists, other neo-lithic hungry humans with sticks well on their way to evolutionary dead endings, improved their odds of finding dinner by using chemical warfare. We know this because of the little sharp sticks recently found in a cave the humans occupied. They are identical to the sticks still used by the San people of the Kalahari desert, to apply poison to their arrows, poison made from a pest of the diamphidia beetle. Modern archaeologists have carbon dated these notched sticks to 44,000 years ago. Now, how did the ancient shaman figure this one out?
First they had to notice the diamphidia (above) out of the thousands of other bugs crawling around them, and then they had to notice the even smaller carabid Lebistina beetle, which preys on the diamphidia beetle while both are in the larval stage. Evidently, during the beeswax age, etymologists were as important as computer techs are today – an analogy which got me to thinking about the computer techs who failed to get my wireless working between our office and my wife's lap top in the kitchen. Are modern computer techs that much dumber than ancient shaman?
It is hard to imagine an ancient shaman claiming to produce a magic potion which would bring down a gazelle, but didn't. In the hand to mouth existence of hunter-gatherers; one ineffective spell would be grounds for termination. Those that survived must have been pretty savvy. Except – I firmly believe that people have not changed in at least 10,000 years. We have not acquired any original emotional responses to stimuli, and considering the Republican economic proposals, we have clearly not gotten smarter. This means that there must have been as high a percentage of doofus shaman 44,000 years ago as there are doofus computer techs and economists today. And that large percentage of doofuses would explain why it has taken us 10,000 years to get from the invention of agriculture to Birdseye Frozen Peas. Really? It took that long for frozen peas to occur to somebody? Individually we may occasionally be geniuses, But collectively, most of the time, we just aren't that smart.
Part of the limit to human progress has to do with the combination of talent and available technologies. Can you imagine, before numbers were invented about 35,000 years ago, how many Albert Eisensteins must have been lousy shamans? And how sad to be born into a 21st century advanced society, with the skills needed to be a good shaman. Is that even listed on any of the career placement exams anymore?
Of course, any modern shaman could still have a very successful career in televised religion. But would it be of any comfort to know you have a talent, but were born 44,000 years too late to reach your full potential?   What became of all those born in the 14th century with the talents required to be a really good electrical engineer?
Another part of what is holding us back is that most of us follow the rules, we do things the way they have always been done, because most of the time that is what works. But some don't follow the rules, and I think I may have figured out why they do that.  I call it my “pigeons on a wire” theory. Ever notice them on a telephone line, usually in a tight line, and close together. Pigeons group that way mostly because of hawks. A hawk, looking for their dinner needs to isolate an individual pigeon. And a flock, even one sitting on a line, does not offer an individual target. So the hawk swoops, hoping to startle the pigeons into scattering, where they can be isolated. And that is why pigeons on a wire group together – to make it harder for the hawks.
But look again at the pigeons on the wire. No matter how many there are, a couple are always sitting away from the main flock. Now why are they doing that? Since they are making it easier for the hawks, these “loners” are usually evolutionary dead ends, a gift to hungry hawks with chicks. But, what if some human shows up with a spear or a gun? Will this human aim at the isolated pigeons, or at the flock? If the human shoots at the flock, and misses the one he is aiming at, he might hit another. So the isolated pigeons have an advantage in the unlikely event of a hungry human showing up with a taste for squab.
I suspect this is how personality became a factor in evolution. Being a loner myself, I like this theory. Perhaps you have your own, which displays the evolutionary advantages of someone with your personality. That would be a very human way of looking at the world. Albert Eisenstein, it is said, came up with the idea for relativity in physics, while riding on a street car in Vienna. How many hundreds of thousands of passengers had ridden those same street cars and not come up with that insight, just because they did not know enough about physics? Right there, on a telephone wire or a Viennese street car, is evolution explained. Very unlikely does not mean impossible. Given enough time, in fact, very unlikely means inevitable.
We know from the bones in the ground that humans evolved about 2 million years ago. And, it seems, it took us 1, 935,000 years to figure out beeswax would make a good tooth filling. And it took us 1,966,000 years to figure out that grounding up a particular beetle would help bring home a fresh gazelle for dinner. And, it seems, it took us 2 million years to figure out that gravity bends space and time  Does that sound unlikely to you? Because, as a loner, I don't find it that unusual at all. And I just ain't that smart.
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Thursday, December 28, 2023

THE AMAZING WILL ROGERS

 

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
In America we have the best politicians money can buy.
Will Rogers
"I could never understand why a man would spend $50,000 to get elected to an office when the job only pays $3000 a year!"
Will Rogers
"The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!"
Will Rogers
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth
Will Rogers
"You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way."
Will Rogers
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
Will Rogers
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
Will Rogers
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?"
Will Rogers
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does."
Will Rogers
Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials.
Will Rogers
The Democrats and Republicans are equally corrupt -- it's only in the amount where the Republicans excel.
Will Rogers
I can remember way back when a liberal was generous with his own money.
Will Rogers
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Will Rogers
We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.
Will Rogers
You've got to be an optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one.
Will Rogers
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Will Rogers
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
It must be nice to belong to some legislative body and just pick money out of the air.
Will Rogers
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Will Rogers
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Will Rogers
Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.
Will Rogers
The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them can win.
Will Rogers
About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.
Will Rogers
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Will Rogers
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Will Roger
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Will Rogers
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father."
Will Rogers
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
Will Rogers
If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
Will Rogers
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers
Things ain't what they used to be and never were.
Will Rogers
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
Will Rogers
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
Will Rogers
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
Will Rogers
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Will Rogers
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
Will Rogers
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep - not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Will Rogers
It takes nerve to be a Democrat. But it takes money to be a Republican
Will Rogers
The Republican platform promises to do better. I don’t think they have done so bad. Everybody’s broke but them.
Will Rogers
Democrats take the whole thing as a joke. Republicans take it serious but run it like a joke.
Will Rogers
A flock of Democrats will replace a mess of Republicans. It won’t mean a thing. They will go in like all the rest of ’em. Go in on promises and come out on alibis.
Will Rogers
Things are terribly dull now. We won’t have any more serious comedy until Congress meets.
Will Rogers
If a man wants to stand well socially, he can’t afford to be seen with either the Democrats or the Republicans.
Will Rogers
Republicans have always been the party of big business. The Democrats of small business. So you just take your pick. The Democrats have their eye on a dime and the Republicans on a dollar.
Will Rogers
You could keep politics clean if you could figure out some way so your government never hired anyone.
Will Rogers
The whole trouble with the Republicans is their fear of an increase in income tax, especially on higher incomes.
Will Rogers
The truth can hurt you worse in an election than about anything that could happen to you.
Will Rogers
A politician is just like a pickpocket. It’s almost impossible to get one to reform.
Will Rogers
It is easier to fool ’em in Washington than at home. So why not be a Senator?
Will Rogers
You know how Congress is. They’ll vote for anything if the thing they vote for will turn around and vote for them.
Will Rogers
It’s awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.
Will Rogers
George Washington was a politician and a gentleman. That’s a rare combination
Will Rogers
Confucius perspired out more knowledge than the U. S. Senate has vocalized out in the last 50 years.
Will Rogers
This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it.
Will Rogers
Every guy looks in his pocket and then votes.
Will Rogers
Once a man wants to hold a Public Office, he is absolutely no good for honest work.
Will Rogers
There is very little dignity, very little sportsmanship, or very little anything in politics - only get the job and hold it.
Will Rogers
Nothing will upset a state economic condition like a legislature. It’s better to have termites in your house than the legislature.
Will Rogers
Slogan: Be a politician; no training necessary.
Will Rogers
That’s the trouble with a politician’s life - somebody is always interrupting it with an election.
Will Rogers
The Ways and Means Committee is supposed to find ways to divide up the means.
Will Rogers
There is no race of people in the world that can compete with a senator for talking. If I went to the Senate, I couldn’t talk fast enough to answer roll call.
Will Rogers
About being a U.S. Senator, the only thing the law says you have to be is 30 years old. Not another single requirement. They just figure that a man that old got nobody to blame but himself if he gets caught there
Will Rogers
I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.
Will Rogers
The Democrats are having a lot of fun exposing the Republican campaign corruptions, but they would have a lot more fun if they knew where they could lay their hands on some of it themselves for next November.
Will Rogers
So much money is being spent on the campaigns that I doubt if either man, as good as they are, are worth what it will cost to elect them.
Will Rogers
Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer.
Will Rogers
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
Will Rogers
- 30-

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