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Tuesday, December 12, 2017

LIGHT FANTASTIC

I wish I had been in the Alexandrian suburb of Eleusis, in July of 169 B.C. when for a few brief moments the past and future were divided by a single line in the sand.  On one side stood the royal egomaniac Antiochus IV, whose army was just four miles from capturing the Pharaoh of Egypt. Standing in his way was one old man, the Roman ambassador, Gaius Popillius, armed with just a piece of parchment - a decree from “the Senate and the People of Rome”.   It ordered the upstart Syrian to turn his Slecuid army around, and go home.  Antiochus IV was infuriated, and bluntly told the old Roman he had to consult his advisers.  Probably he intended on riding back to his cavalry and ordering them to run the old man down.   But Gaius would have none of that. Grabbing a stick the old man drew a circle around the King and insisted, if Antiochus stepped over the line without first agreeing to turn his army back,  it would mean war with Rome.   It was the original line drawn in the sand, and for one of the few times in history, it actually worked.   Antiochus IV went home. It came to be called the “Day of Eleusis”, and because of that day, we celebrate a holiday – just not the one you're thinking about, probably.
Antiochus IV was King of the Slecuid Empire, centered in Syria and stretching from India on the east and now to the border with Egypt on the west. He was called Epiphanes, “God Manifest” on his monuments, and Epimanes behind his back - “The Mad One”.  And as he sullenly retreated eastward across the Sinai, he got madder and madder.  You see, some jackass in Judea had spread a rumor that Antiochus IV had been  killed in battle.  Maybe the Romans had spread the story to weaken Antiochus in his rear, and maybe Antiochus had spread it himself, to flush out any trouble makers among his conquered peoples.  But whoever spread it, the hottest hot head in Judea, a religious fanatic named Mattathias ben Johanan, was eager to believe the rumor.  With about a thousand of his followers, Mattathias came charging out of the hills to capture the temple in Jerusalem and drive the high priest Menelaus into the wilderness
Now, few people in Jerusalem would miss Menelaus. He had become high priest because his brother Onias had been high priest before him.  But when Onias had sent Menelaus to deliver the yearly taxes to Antiochus IV,  Menelaus had included a little extra from himself, a bribe, and suddenly Onias was no longer high priest,  Menelaus was. So you can see why Antiochus IV tended not to think very highly of the high priests of Judaism, and now, neither did the people of Jerusalem. Menelaus slipped a little more in public opinion when his brother Onias died while cleaning his sword -  bad luck.  So the Jews of Jerusalem were not really sorry to see Menelaus running for the hills.
But King Antiochus IV(above) was sorry.  Menelaus might have been a sniveling bottom feeder, but he was the King's sniveling bottom feeder.  And then there was that whole “got to show them whose the boss” dynamic going on.   And Antiochus IV had an army which  had been expecting a rich sacking of Alexandria, which the Romans had put the kibosh to.  So in the dog days of August 169 B.C., everything was pointing toward a very bad day for Jerusalem. And it came.
It seems – oops - somebody had left the city gates open. So the Slecuid army marched right in, as the trouble maker Mattathias slipped out the back door.  First the Slecuid  soldiers stripped the Jewish temple of everything of value -  everything not already sold to pay taxes to Antiochus IV, or stolen earlier by the Babylonians and the Egyptians when they each sacked Jerusalem.  Really there couldn't have been that much left to steal.  But whatever was left, Antiochus IV took it. And then, according to the holy text, Second Macabbees, “And he commanded his soldiers to cut down relentlessly every one they met and to slay those who went into the houses.”.
The primary non-religious source for what happened was the Jewish radical turned Roman informer, Josephus.  He says that over three days Antiochus IV murdered 44,000 people in Jerusalem,  and sold another 44,000 women and children into slavery.  Antiochus IV then built a citadel right next to the Jewish temple, which he stocked with a permanent garrison.  Then he had the Jewish temple re-dedicated.  On the altar where Menelaus had sacrificed goats to honor Yahweh, the Greek priests now sacrificed pigs to honor Zeus.  Antiochus IV also issued a decree forbidding circumcision - (who was the lucky guy who got to check on that? ). It seemed the Jews had finally ticked off one King too many. Surely they had learned their lesson.
But, a year later human nature, or maybe it was Yahweh,  intervened.  In 168 BC, the rising empire of Parthia captured the Afghanistan city of Heart (Hair-it). This was an important because  the region around Herat was the bread basket of  Slecuid empire, and sat astride their primary  trade route with India. We're talking a major loss of taxes, here.  So Antiochus IV had to turn eastward to deal with the upstart Parthians.  But he did not forget the troublesome Jews.  He ordered his governor of Syria, a nobleman named Lysias  “to conquer Judea, enslave its inhabitants, utterly destroy Jerusalem and abolish the whole nation."
In 167 B.C. Lysias dispatched four divisions to accomplish this task. As they marched on Jerusalem, Mattathias, who had reappeared,  now  organized the faithful.  However, because he was a religious fanatic, Mattathias insisted that all his soldiers strictly adhere to Jewish law - that's what they were fighting for, wasn't it?  Unfortunately the Slecuid army did not recognize the Jewish Sabbath, and on a Saturday they attacked the first Jewish village in their way.  Following the law, and Mattathias' orders, the villagers refused to do any work on the sabbath, even refusing to lift a weapon to defend themselves.  All 1,000 of them were slaughtered. After this Mattathias was replaced as leader of the revolt by his son, Judah. And under him, the Jews decided to compromise on the religious issues and fight, twenty-four, seven.
It turns out the new Jewish leader, Judah ben Mattathias was pretty good at it.  In 166 B.C. Judah fell on the Slecuid supply base at Emmaus, killing its 3,000 man garrison, capturing a huge cache of weapons and food, and forcing half the Seleucid army to retreat.  A year later he beat the other half of the Slecuid army at Beth-zur, forcing them, again, to retreat.  It was battles like this that earned him the nickname of Judah the Hammer, or in Hebrew, Judah Maccabees.   Shortly after this victory, word again arrived that Antioschus IV was dead.  Except this time he really was.  He'd been in Babylon, struggling to prepare a counter attack against the Parthians, when he suddenly dropped dead. He might have been sick, or maybe it was Yahwah's payback,  but I think it even more likely, he'd been poisoned.  In any case, his young son, Antiochus V, now inherited what was left of the empire.
Lysias immediately had himself declared Antioschus V's guardian, which put the Governor in charge of the entire empire. Lysias ordered an end to efforts to retake Heart, and in 165 B.C. he marched for a third time on Jerusalem. Third times the charm, right? This time Lysias came by the southern road, catching the Hammer off guard. This time Lysias actually laid siege to Jerusalem. This time it looked as if the clock had run out for the Jews. This time there was nobody to save them. And then out of nowhere appeared a guy named Phillip, (the royal governor of Babylon, actually), who had been with Antioschus IV when he died.  Phillip claimed that on his death bed Antioschus IV had asked him, Phillip, to raise the king's son, now known as Antioschus V.  That would make Phillip the regent, not Lysias.  Lysias did not believe a word of it. Would you?  But Lysias still had to deal with Philip’s army.  And one morning Judah looked out from walls of Jerusalem, and saw...nobody. The entire Slecuid army had mysteriously disappeared. It was a miracle. As long as you did not notice the whole Slecuid civil war going on.
Judah Maccabees ordered a a new altar built for the temple, and declared 8 days of “sacrifice and songs” for its re-dedication. The pigs were out, Yahweh was back in. There was only one problem. Tradition said in re-dedicating the Temple required the temple's  menorah lamps to burn every night, all night, during the celebration.  But there was only enough oil for one night. What to do?
Now if it was me, I would have ordered the nine lamps on the menorah to be publicly lit at sundown each night, as usual. And then a half hour after sundown,  after the faithful had gone home to bed, the priests would quietly extinguish the lamps. This way, instead of burning through all the oil in one eight hour winter's night, the lamps would burn for a about an hour each night, for eight nights. And I think that maybe that was what the Hammer did. But then, I am a non-believer. And priest are in the business of believing, even in miracles. And the truth is, miracles don't happen without a little help from somebody. Who that help comes from depends on who and what you believe in. Anyway....
It was the first Hanukkah, the first festival of the lights. Two thousand years later it is not a very important Jewish holiday, and about the only one in which women play a leading role. Each of the eight nights a woman first lights the “shamash”, the central candle or lamp, used to illuminate the entire ritual. On each successive night , the shamash is then used to light one candle more each night until all eight are burning. In each Jewish home they are displayed in a window or an exterior door, “to illuminate the house outside” the home. And as they do so, the women recite the Hanukkah prayer.
“We light these lights for the miracles and the wonders, for the redemption and the battles that you made for our forefathers, in those days at this season, through your holy priests. During all eight days of Hanukkah these lights are sacred, and we are not permitted to make ordinary use of them except for to look at them in order to express thanks and praise to Your great Name for Your miracles, Your wonders and Your salivations.”
Lysias defeated and killed Philip in 163 B.C.. But in 162 B.C. Lysias was defeated by Demetrius I, who had been Antiochus IV's older brother and Antiochus V's uncle. Being the older brother, Demetrius was supposed to have been made King first. But when their father died, Demetrius was being held as the official hostage in Rome. So it turned out Antiochus IV had been a usurper, which made his defeat in 162 B.C.,  payback. Demetrius executed both Lysias, and the boy king Antiochus V. Demetrius then tried to reconquer the Jews, but the Fighting Maccabees  held him off for ten years, until Demetrius was killed by a new usurper in 150 B.C. It was the end of the Slecuid empire.
The next empire to come marching down the coast road of Judea would be the Romans. And they and the Jews would have their own problems, strongly reminiscent of the ones the Jews and Slecuid's had shared. They say some people never learn. But I think most people never learn, certainly not in the middle east.
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Monday, December 11, 2017

ANOTHER CRAZY POLITICIAN

I found myself wondering how, over my lifetime,  politicians got so crazy.  And then I was reminded of Representative Marion Anthony Zioncheck,  He toiled for almost a decade in the lumber camps north of Seattle,  to earn his college tuition. When finally in law school he was elected class president, and then campaigned for a new student union building.  His successful tactics so offended the football team they shaved his head and dumped him in a fountain. As a successful criminal attorney he was often cited for contempt, once appealing a $25 fine all the way to the Washington State Supreme Court. Then in November of 1932 the Democrat won a Republican seat in the U.S. House of Representatives by 12 percentage points.
"This was a sophisticated and lucrative operation with a multi-tiered management structure. It was, however, nothing more than a prostitution ring."
Governor Eliot Spitzer, explaining a Staten Island vice ring
In 1934 Marion Anthony Zioncheck was a freshman in the 73rd Congress, one of 311 Democrats to just 117 Republicans. And while this was the congress famous for the Hundred Days of New Deal legislation, the 31 year old Marion earned his reputation as an intellectual bully, calling his G.O.P. colleges “fools and jackasses”.  He was once invited to “step out into the hall” so Republican William Ekwall of Oregon could “deal with him.”  In a 1934 floor speech he referred to the director of the F.B.I., J. Edgar Hoover, as a dictator and a “master of fiction”.  That was politics as usual, but Marion then had a truckload of manure dumped on Hoover's front lawn. That was not usual politics, and the folks back on Puget Sound loved it.  Marion was re-elected that year by an even bigger margin.
"The attractive lady...dropped into my lap....I chose not to dump her off."
Senator Gary Hart explaining a photo of Donna Rice sitting on his lap
In April of 1935, as part of the normal grease which helps the House to function, fellow Democrat Thomas Blanton from Texas sought to remove from the official record some of Zioncheck's more nasty attacks on Republicans. But Marion refused to allow it. To make a point he suggested, “I want it put in the record that Mr. Blanton is a son of Texas”. Marion then offered to have the offensive word “Texas” removed, and replaced by a blank space.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
Mayor Marion Barry explaining his cities' high murder rate
Fellow Democratic Congressman Blanton called Zioncheck's suggestion “ridicules and asinine”. Marion protested the word “asinine” as “un-parlimentary”. The Congressional staff were forced to look up the exact definition in a dictionary. The interruption only angered Blanton more, and in finishing he slipped and refereed to Zioncheck as the “gentleman from New York”. Anyone else would have ignored the gaff, but Marion pounced, sneering at his fellow Democrat, “I long ago learned not to describe the beauty of a morning sunrise to a cat.” Blanton leapt to his feet, and stormed toward Marion, who met him with balled fists. They were separated by fellow members and Congressman Zioncheck's remarks, now including the ones about Blanton, were removed by vote of 272 to 0. Even Zioncheck did not vote to retain them.
"I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it."
Sen. John Kerry explaining his voting record
Just after midnight on January 1st, 1936, Marion stumbled into the lobby of a D.C. apartment building and hot wired the intercom so he could call every tenant at once. He identified himself and then wished them all a happy New Year. His sleepy victims did not appreciate the gesture, but the press did. It seemed some one had begun keeping newspapers notified of Marion's adventures -  as when early in the morning a few weeks later the congressman was stopped by capital police doing 60 miles an hour up Connecticut Avenue. Marion paid a $25 fine. Then in April, it happened again. This time the speed was 70 miles per hour. Marion paid a $45 fine, and the the judge slapped on a $20 fine for contempt. The papers began calling him the 'Salon Congressman” - as in "saloon", and “the House's Bad Boy”. It was even reported he had driven his roadster on the White House lawn. And when the White House did not strongly defend him, Marion mailed President Roosevelt a package of empty beer bottles and some mothballs, with no explanation.
"About this time, the Congressman's  car was stopped by the Park Service and Mrs. Battistella was able to open the door... The next thing I knew she was in the water."
Congressman Wilbur Mills explaining how his date, aka stripper Fanny Foxe, ended up in the Potomac River
In April Marion met a 21 year old Works Progress Administration typist from Texarkana, Texas, named Rubye Louise Nex. Marion explained to Harold Ickes, Secretary of the Interior, "I met her about a week ago, then she called me up one night. She asked me down and so I went down and looked her over. She was OK.” Marion asked the Secretary to officiate at their wedding, but the Ickes demurred. So Marion and Rubye crossed into Maryland, which had no waiting period for marraiges.. Rubye told the papers “excitement and hubbub” just seemed to follow her new husband,  and she was “glad to go along with him”.
"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains."
Senate Candidate Christine O'Donnell explaining why she does not trust science
They decided to honeymoon in Florida, but were stopped almost immediately in Alexandria, Virginia, and charged with speeding. Marion posted a $200 bond, and continued on his honeymoon. Four days later their trip was interrupted again, 2 ½ miles south of Shallotte, North Carolina, when a county sheriff pulled Marion over, supposedly because that morning he had missed his court date back in Virginia. The head line read “Zioncheck Again Arrested”, and though one might wonder how in 1934 a county sheriff  had heard within four hours about a missed court appearance 300 miles away, no one in Washington thought to ask that. When Alexandria refused to pay for Representative Zioncheck's  extradition over a misdemeanor, the couple was released - but for the rest of the trip to Miami, Rubye did the driving.
"The governor is hiking the Appalachian Trail."
Spokesman for South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford
At this moment the Peurto Rician legislature passed a bill applying for statehood status. American congressional leadership asked Marion, since he was in Miami, to check out the situation. Marion and his new bride flew there on Monday, May 7th, and what they found was not what Roosevelt's appointed governor, Blanton Winslip, had been telling the White House. Their car was chased by rock throwing youths, shouting nationalistic chants. But the White House was not prepared to listen, telling Marion the governor “is the sole and competent authority to carry out this government's policy”. So Marion went public, warning the Associated Press, “The United States ought to either get in or get out of here. This thing is like a snowball. It grows.” But Marion had under rated the damage already done to his reputation, and his report was dismissed as the ravings of a drunken lunatic.
"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under...President Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."
Representative Michele Bachmann, attempting to explain the 2011 flue outbreak.
On his return to New York, two weeks later, Marion entertained several reporters in his hotel room, even inventing a new drink -  cough syrup, honey and rye, which he dubbed a “zipper”, as in 'zip your lip'. But if Marion thought this meeting was off the record he was sadly mistaken. The alcoholic invention was duly reported, and afterwards the couple were dared by photographers to wade into a fountain. Which they both did. The headlines shouted, “Zionchecks Go For A Paddle”.
"How's my favorite young stud doing?"
Congressman Mark Foley, e-mailing a 16 year old male page
Back in Washington at the end of May, Marion found his apartment occupied by the woman he was subletting from, Mrs. Benjamin Young, who thought he was unfit to be either a Congressman or rent her property.  Despite the Zioncheck's lease having another five months to run, she refused to leave. So all three occupied the one bedroom together. Marion returned to work the next day, riding a bicycle to the capital as a publicity stunt and to avoid any further traffic tickets. But as a pedestrian he was arrested by Alexandria police Sargent George Helmuth, for that missed court appearance. He was only in jail long enough for a few more press photos to be taken , which made the front pages from D.C. to Seattle.
"PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air."
Governor and Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, explaining why he strapped his dog on the roof of a station wagon
A few days later, after yet another confrontation with Mrs. Young,  Marion dragged the screaming and kicking woman out into the hallway, where he dumped her. Luckily the press was on hand to snap more photos. These headlines read, “Zioncheck Puts Woman To Rout”, and “Zioncheck Checks Out Landlady”.  Mrs. Young claimed a broken hip, but refused to be examined. Reporters quoted her as saying, “We've got to see whether this country is going to be run by Bolshevism or Americanism” Mrs Young insisted the police report her as 92 years old.  Her driver's license said she was 42.
"Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me."
Congressman Eric Massa explaining his boisterous lifestyle
Rubye could take no more of the circus, and walked out. And while she was gone, Marion threw a temper tantrum, tossing dishes and furniture about the apartment. Eventually the police were called again, and Anthony was arrested again. This time a friend bailed him out, but warned him the Democrats would offer no further public support. From this Marion became convinced that his 21 year old bride had been kidnapped by the 66 year old Vice President, fellow Democrat John Nance. The next time the police responded to his bizarre behavior, Marion was committed to a hospital for "mental observation".
"I said a little prayer before I actually did the fingerprint thing, and the picture."
Congressman Tom Delay, explaining why he is smiling in his mug shot
They locked him up in the Gallinger Municipal Hospital Psychopathic Ward, aka the Washington Asylum. Rubye came to the hospital, but only to speak with Marion's doctors.  During his three week evaluation, Marion announced he would not run for re-election. Just as a grand jury was convening to consider his sanity, Marion's friends got him shipped to a clinic in Baltimore, Maryland. He stayed there for a few days, before climbing a fence and disappearing. He surfaced a week later with Rubye in Chicago, fresh and seemingly recovered, and boarded a train for Seattle.
"I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel."
Senator Zell Miller explaining how much he disagreed with interviewer Chris Matthews
On his return home, Marion's mother urged him to run for re-election, saying it was the only way to prove he was not crazy. And on Monday, August 3, 1936, Marion paid the $100 fee and filed papers to run again in November. That night he told a Seattle radio station, “I have been pictured as a vicious wide eyed radical ever since I was president of the student body at the University of Washington. Now I'm going to go back to congress...I'm going to clear up of things that were falsely said about me.” He opened a campaign office on the 5th floor of the Arctic building (now a hotel) in downtown Seattle, at the corner of Third Avenue and Cherry Street. But Rubye insisted Marion see a psychiatrist, which he finally did on the afternoon of Friday, August 7th, ,  when he was evaluated by Dr. Edward Hoedemaker.
"First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer."
Senator John Edwards, explaining the timing of his infidelity while his wife' was suffering from cancer.
Doctor Hoedemaker warned Rubye and Marion's brother-in-law, Bill Nadeau, who were to drive him to a political meeting that night, that they should keep a close eye on the congressman. After leaving the doctor's office they stopped off at Marion's headquarters in the Arctic building  so Marion could pick up some papers before addressing a postal workers banquet. When he did not come out after a few minutes, Bill went in after him. He found the office locked. A janitor opened the door, revealing Marion writing at his desk.
"If you are not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin."
Congresswoman Katherine Harris, explaining her reasons for being a Republican
Bill looked at what Marion was writing, which he assumed were remarks for that night's meeting. The note read, “"My only hope in life was to improve the condition of an unfair economic system that held no promise to those that all the wealth of even a decent chance to survive, let alone live." The note made no sense to Bill, so he told Marion, , “Come on, kid. We'll be late. Forget it”. As his charge stood up,  Bill held up Marion's suit jacket for him to put on. But instead Marion made a dive for the open window.  Desperately Bill reached for the Congressman's feet. By the time he reached the window, Marion was already dead on the sidewalk five floors below.
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
New York City Mayor David Dinkins, explaining why he did not pay his taxes
Marion Anthony Zioncheck tumbled 60 feet past the cream white terra cotta exterior of the Arctic building, and landed on his head, spattering a passing loan broker, W.H. McFarlane, with his blood and brains. Rubye was the next to reach the body. She fainted on the sidewalk. Two thousand attended Marion's funeral, at which the Reverend Fred Shorter called him “a shell shocked comrade who died at the barricades, fighting to the very last for the poor and dispossessed.” It might be added,  with hindsight, that Marion was at least a manic-depressive who was self medicating with alcohol, or at worst a victim of schizophrenia, which often onsets during the late twenties and early thirties. But whatever his illness, he was certainly not helped by the soulless cut-throat nature of Washington politics. But it makes me wonder why so many of those drawn into politics are so freaking nuts, to begin with. And why we keep electing them.
"If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come he made them out of meat?"
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin
(All clippings from Marion Zioncheck Papers, University of Washington Libraries.
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